Release Their Burdens

So you’ve decided to come back for a peek into what it looks like to rid yourself once and for all of blame. Cheers to you, my friend. It’s one thing to be willing to not take on more blame. It’s next level gangster healing to say, “Not only am I not taking more on my shoulders, but I am also healing the pain of carrying a load that’s not mine!” 

I am proud of you.  

In order to not take anything else on, we must first figure out why in the world we decided it was our job to receive the blame.  

In psychology, there are two schools of thought. One says we must dig up the past and figure out why and when the issue began. I am paraphrasing, of course, not being a shrink gives me absolute license and liberty to do so. The other school of thought is that we must look to the future, a more positive place and just forget the path. There’s wisdom in both, yet the best practice and more effective healing have come from those willing to peek at the past, glance at the future, and hold tight to the present moment they find themselves in. All with an understanding that we are here by design, in this moment for a purpose.  

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With this in mind, allow me to offer a few suggestions from our collective pasts that may shed light on the why we turn our backs for others to heap their blame on.  

There are generally two types of people who take on blame. Those who are in birth order are the oldest or those who are only children. To be fair, it can’t be helped. Parents of onlys and oldest kids simply tend to ask more responsibility of their firstborns than they do of the others simply by virtue of they were there first. In a family dynamic, it is not unreasonable to ask an older sibling to play with the younger one. It is unreasonable to ask them to give them a bath, put them, to bed, or make the younger ones a meal—at age 4 or 5. I cringe when I hear people say things like, “Well in pioneer days kids were up at dawn milking the cow and feeding chickens, all before they walked 5 miles to school!”  

Yeah ok, Becky. The parents of said kids were also forging the wilderness and building their own homes so until you get crackin’ with your own hands on that homestead, perhaps you stop expecting your offspring to wait on you hand and foot.  

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The “oldest children” syndrome isn't isolated to the actual oldest child in the family. It may also apply to the one who acts oldest in maturity. In a family where there is a boy first then a girl, the second-born girl may also be a responsibility taker. Gender plays a huge part in that of course as girls tend to think of themselves as caretakers, being like momma, etc. Sometimes a younger sibling is the only one who wasn’t coddled or who isn’t an emotional hot mess and has more of a level head so they might be the one the parents look to for help.  

This long intro is to paint the picture of a potential why you take on blame.  

When the first people you love in your life, your parents, load you up with lofty expectations, it sets the tone for every other person in your life to be allowed to give you their burdens. It also sets the tone for when trauma occurs that you rush to figure out what went wrong, why, and how YOU SHOULD fix it.  

Blame takers become accustomed to others expecting so much of them that they attract these people into their lives. Bosses, co-workers, even spouses. The children they have may become blamers because the blame taker has taught the children this is the acceptable way to treat them.  

Deadlines late, your fault.

Groceries not purchased for meals, your fault.

Clothes not cleaned for school, your fault.

Late to church or any other function, for sure blame you. And you probably should all over yourself. You should’ve done x, y, or z to make sure that didn’t happen. Because when you were younger, chances are, those whose care you were under told you somehow it was your responsibility to make sure everything gets done or goes off without a hitch.  

If you're following along in this series and would like a “now what?”, then here’s your chance to begin removing old beliefs and reprogramming new life giving ones. 

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Write this statement:  

Everything is my responsibility and anything that goes wrong is my fault. 

Look at that statement and sit with it for a minute. What comes to mind?  

Ask yourself the questions, “When did this belief land in my mind? When was the first time I felt that everything was my responsibility and anything that goes wrong is my fault?”  

I recommend using the essential oil called Valor to give you the courage to begin tackling these things.  

The second question to ask is, “Who told me this is true? Why do I believe this?”  

I will end with this thought—it is not your responsibility to take on something that is someone else’s load. It is also not your responsibility to make sure everyone is doing and walking on their right path. Someone with kids needs to hear me on this. People who take on more than is theirs also feel a sense of heavy burden for their children and the children’s choices. It is my opinion this happens by and large because of societal standards set on moms. Ever hear someone say, “You know, that child needs strong discipline!” Or,’ Well if I was their parent...” or a personal favorite, “Spoil the rod spoil the child!”.  

The people who quote the Bible on that last one clearly do not know their Hebrew bible nor do they know my God.  

Choose today to get to the root so that tomorrow when we unburden ourselves, you will have an awareness of what you’re unburdening yourself from.